Yesterday ended up terrible. It's a cycle. I got a little sad over something, and I ate a little something. I get upset that I ate and I smoke. Then I have a conversation with the guy who raped me. He tried to explain to me how much harder all of this was on him than on me. He also said that I secretly wanted it, which makes me want to punch him in the face. So I pop a few more klonopin and ativan. I eat a ton of food. And I cry to a random boy on the phone. I'm mean and I only want him to make Rowan jealous.
I wake up today and I'm still sort of hungover from all the klonopin. I come in early to make up an AP psych test which I didn't finish so I should be doing that now. Then we had the psats. No one told me tyhey were today so I didn't have a calculator. In my psat room there's this guy Austin.
I think I've realized that in life I'm always wrong. Not in a bad way, just that what I always thing isn't ever true.
So this kid Austin. I remember seeing him beginning of last year. He looked like your typical stoner kid. Long nasty hair and tie dye shirt. He was tall and skinny and I remember thinking hmm he's cute. But then I was like ehh I could never be seen with him in public. No one at school talks to him and he's a major loner.
At the same time, I hear of this other kid. Apparently he's getting pretty big DJing. The whole thing kind of pisses me off because he's super popular with all the "rowany" kids at school and I'm not invited to their secret raves. He's already getting paid to mix at this club thing around here and he's 16, so basically, one day he's definitly going to be mad famous. Alsooo, my brother tells his friend's little brother to find out who I am at school because we'd probably get along really well. He went to the same place I took art for a little while, but he stopped going. All the same person. So I talk to him a bit on myspace, and I look at his albums. His art...I mean wow. I haven't seen anyone our age that good. I mean it's not that it was really all that good, it was just definitly the best I had seen at out school. He seems like a kid that really has some substance, but I think he's caught up in the kids at school that don't..so I don't think I'll ever be "cool" enough to be friends with him. But I long for the days when I'll be surrounded by cute boys making art. I plan to start writing in this every day. I need a journal to keep track of things. So idk, maybe it won't be as interesting anymore because I won't post as many pictures, but oh well. I need to make a list of art projects to start. I need to do more art. | 
